I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
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[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !