[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
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I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
bout dat hot dog summer
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
me irl
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
english majors be like furthermore
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler