Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
You Might Also Like
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.