Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
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Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
what’s really going on
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.