I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
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I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Worlds greatest photobomb
opening a flower shop called women in stem
This will never not be funny 😭
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
When you don’t understand how floors work
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house