Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
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Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
screw you
Comparing yourself to others
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!