“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
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6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
A dad and his duck
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.