Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
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My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to