The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
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doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore