[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
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I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.