Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
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*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️