went fishing caught a bass
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I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
That’s fair
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation