Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
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Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
My neck my back my allergy attack
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.