No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
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Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Wait a minute
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle