“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
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her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.