You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
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i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Okay me first
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN