if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
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Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
new career option?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”