[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
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Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.