Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
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When you’ve simply given up.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
lmfao come on
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)