Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
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It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep