If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
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GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…