*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
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you gotta be faster
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours