Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
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The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
remember
only for emergencies
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
forgive me baja for i have blast
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months