casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
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When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
it is time once again
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.