The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
what does he know…
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate