me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
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I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I’m already scared
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*