I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
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ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Meow
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.