I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
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Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Lassie, get help!
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.