Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
You Might Also Like
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Wise advice
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.