Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
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normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *