Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
You Might Also Like
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
new wife guy just dropped
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’m already scared
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
me, too, girl. me, too.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.