When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
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I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*