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The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
12653.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I feel seen.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”