[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
You Might Also Like
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
When your parents check you’re ok.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing