*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
You Might Also Like
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.