Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
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The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
😆this is so true
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?