You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
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When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth