Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
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Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.