Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
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A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
when u come home smelling like another dog
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Always leave them wanting their money back.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?