ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
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A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Saturday
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.