I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
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Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]