paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
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yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
cat vs inanimate object
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??