asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
You Might Also Like
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Hot Hot Hot
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”