Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this