Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
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doing some research
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My current situation
I forgot how to panic. Help
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.