*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
when dads have a rap battle
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot