My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
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asking santa clause for nudes
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
March 16
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.