i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
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[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson