me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
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I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application