Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
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Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city: